Broken

Feeling so broken. Alone. Ashamed. The pain is so physically real that my heart hurts and I can't breathe.

A friend asked me last night 'What is holding you back from giving all of you to God?' My answer was 'I'm not worthy. I don't deserve it.'

She said 'You're right, you don't deserve it. None of us do. And what a perfect time to give yourself to Him. Know Him. Draw close to Him. Study His word.'

God knew what my life would be, the choices I would make, the ways I would suffer, the ways I would hurt others, the things that would bring me joy.

He knew the moment I would turn my back on him and the day that I would come crawling back with my head hung in shame.

He knew it all. And still gave me life. Still died for my sins. All of them.

So where do I start? How do I rebuild? How to I pick up the pieces of this wreckage? And when will this pain stop?

I don't know how to follow anymore.

I could sit and stare for hours right now while my mind replays and remembers. I did this.

There is an empty piece of land here that overlooks the city. No one knows where it is. That's what I tell myself anyway. I've been going there to sit in the quiet.

To breathe. To cry. To be angry. Just to be. The silence is so loud sometimes. I think it's good.

Distraction masks these thoughts and feelings and the silence forces me to face them.

'In repentance and rest you shall be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength.'
Isaiah 30:15

xo, Jo