Not doing great this week. Choosing daily to accept forgiveness. Trying my hardest to please an audience of one and look past the pain of lost friendships to see hope.
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord who has compassion upon you." Isaiah 54:10
I am working on unpacking our new home, it's bringing so much emotion to the surface, but giving me a good focus as well. Lot's of memories in these boxes. Good memories.
Do you remember the picture wall we finally acomplished at our old house? You know, the one we put up about two weeks before we had to move? Ya, that one. Well, now it's going back up. Aaron doesn't know yet that any and all of our spare time in the evenings will be devoted to this until it's done. ;)
Chicken stock has been bubbling away on the stove. The smell reminds me of fall. Of laughter around the dinner table. Of a big, healing hug. Of nourishing my family with goodness. It reminds me of who I used to be. I want to get back there.
Who knew chicken soup really is good for the soul?
We have had company since Thursday; two different families of dear friends, reminding us of what our normal used to be. Reminding me how to laugh, how to seek, how to have joy. Lot's of 'remember whens.'
Everyone has left now and I'm already forgetting. These feelings; the pain, the heartache, the shame. All back. And all too familiar.
These past days, I felt like I was watching an old home movie of happy and functioning me. I felt hopeful. I smiled. Now the movie is over. The credits have passed and I'm back to facing this dark empty screen by myself wondering how to rewind.
I think...I know that is my problem. I'm just stuck. I need to move forward and don't know how. I'm not who I used to be.
It's an odd feeling being around strangers right now. Going to the grocery store. Getting gas. Teaching classes. Getting a coffee.
I feel like I should have some huge life threatening gash or hemorrhage...something that reflects how I'm feeling inside.
That is the beauty and nightmare of emotional pain. It hurts so badly you feel like you should be on life support. Then, when you want to be anonymous, you can slip on a pair of sunglasses, walk with purpose....and be normal. Happy.
All while being quite the opposite.
I'm back to the simple basics. Reading scripture one verse at a time. Praying that God would teach me to pray again. In some ways meeting God for the first time. Getting to see pieces of His heart I never knew about. Discipline is hard to learn.
As I read back over my posts I think 'Man, what a downer, this isn't fun to read.' I hope I can get back to the beauty, joy, laughter, love and light that God has designed me to be filled with. There are little reminders of this in each day.
Reminders from last week:
(from my phone for now, I have more from my camera)
Hi friend, welcome to our family blog. I am a homeschooling mama of four little lovies and wife to one hunk of lovin' man Aaron. We have been married for 8 years.
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