Remember

We have had company since Thursday; two different families of dear friends, reminding us of what our normal used to be. Reminding me how to laugh, how to seek, how to have joy. Lot's of 'remember whens.'

Everyone has left now and I'm already forgetting. These feelings; the pain, the heartache, the shame. All back. And all too familiar.

These past days, I felt like I was watching an old home movie of happy and functioning me. I felt hopeful. I smiled. Now the movie is over. The credits have passed and I'm back to facing this dark empty screen by myself wondering how to rewind.

I think...I know that is my problem. I'm just stuck. I need to move forward and don't know how. I'm not who I used to be.

It's an odd feeling being around strangers right now. Going to the grocery store. Getting gas. Teaching classes. Getting a coffee.

I feel like I should have some huge life threatening gash or hemorrhage...something that reflects how I'm feeling inside.

That is the beauty and nightmare of emotional pain. It hurts so badly you feel like you should be on life support. Then, when you want to be anonymous, you can slip on a pair of sunglasses, walk with purpose....and be normal. Happy.

All while being quite the opposite.

I'm back to the simple basics. Reading scripture one verse at a time. Praying that God would teach me to pray again. In some ways meeting God for the first time. Getting to see pieces of His heart I never knew about. Discipline is hard to learn.

As I read back over my posts I think 'Man, what a downer, this isn't fun to read.' I hope I can get back to the beauty, joy, laughter, love and light that God has designed me to be filled with. There are little reminders of this in each day.

Reminders from last week:

(from my phone for now, I have more from my camera)